Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
