Texts From Last Night

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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.

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  (403): just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong. http://tfl.nu/sr7f
  Replies (19) Good night (2432) Bad night (1020)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent

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  (651): nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent http://tfl.nu/r5vc
  Replies (44) Good night (1421) Bad night (2703)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink

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  (410): when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink http://tfl.nu/mfes
  Replies (14) Good night (1309) Bad night (4155)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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  (201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk
  Replies (61) Good night (14816) Bad night (1298)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.

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  (203): I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further. http://tfl.nu/4sxq
  Replies (5) Good night (2596) Bad night (843)
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  (607): View more from New York

  do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?

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  (607): do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers? http://tfl.nu/jybn
  Replies (10) Good night (1952) Bad night (945)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.

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  (336): I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome. http://tfl.nu/6uzt
  Replies (18) Good night (3897) Bad night (1385)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!

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  (203): Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!! http://tfl.nu/1t5b
  Replies (20) Good night (2276) Bad night (1427)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.

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  (719): Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible. http://tfl.nu/tds6
  Replies (14) Good night (1701) Bad night (671)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.

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  (623): It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too. http://tfl.nu/xu8j
  Replies (15) Good night (766) Bad night (3430)
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  (949): View more from California

  I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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  (949): I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id. (702): It's like the whiskey god was watching over you http://tfl.nu/wgp4
  Replies (7) Good night (3451) Bad night (718)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".

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  (+61): You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering". http://tfl.nu/uajx
  Replies (1) Good night (516) Bad night (312)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Lord god protect this child

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  (770): Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me (603): Lord god protect this child http://tfl.nu/t9s3
  Replies (3) Good night (677) Bad night (324)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Everyone says I win the strip club

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  (215): Everyone says I win the strip club http://tfl.nu/j5vl
  Replies (1) Good night (511) Bad night (254)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed

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  (401): He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed http://tfl.nu/nre0
  Replies (2) Good night (613) Bad night (169)

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