Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she told me i tasted like america
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she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
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There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."