I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.