I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick