I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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