I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
