The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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