How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
