Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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