Are we in a gay sports bar?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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