I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
