We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
