I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
