I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
high people should be assigned attendants
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
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and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
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Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
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