I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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