I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
