His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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