dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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