Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
