I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
