and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
