Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
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It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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