I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
