Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
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Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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