Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
