I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
