Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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