If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
