I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
