I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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