you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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