I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I touched a dick in church today
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
