this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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