the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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