if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
please don't ironically join a cult
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