I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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