We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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