I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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