We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
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