Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
