when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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