I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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