Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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