why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
