I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
