Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.