You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
