Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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