There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
