I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
