he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
thus making me awesome and them whores
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
