once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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