I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
