Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!