So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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