matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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