I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
