hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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